Back the bid and buy a butty.

A friend of mine asked me to write about sandwiches (also known as buttys, cobs, sangers and rolls) in this blog. Persistent little blighter he is, I conceded and had a little think about two pieces of bread that can house an array of tastes. Strangely enough, I had some sort of food epiphany. Sandwiches are not only tasty as hell, but also wildly important to the running of the country.

I give to you, why Britain wouldn’t be Britain without sandwiches.

Childhood just wouldn’t be the same without sandwiches. Let’s suppose, just for a moment, that instead of sandwiches all of our children were eating sushi. Firstly, we would be breeding a generation of children that are  high maintenance to think it’s perfectly normal to expect their parents to be  fiddling with rice, crab sticks and nori sheets at 6 o clock in the morning. No way. Britain is all about the ‘bish, bash, bosh’ approach – no nonsense and no unnecessary complexities. Don’t get me wrong, I love to frequent Yo Sushi like most other young people who first tried sushi with the hope that they wouldn’t hate it, because they want to get into the post-graduate circle of people who think life begins and ends in London. You know, the ones that eat in Yo Sushi whilst talking about how great their pensions are. I hate those people. Mainly because I’m not yet one of them. Nevertheless, no one makes your own perfect sandwich for your packed lunch like your mummy, ‘made to order’ at its best. Though the picture I’ve chosen to illustrate this is probably scaring you. Sorry. I have no idea why this child looks like a murderer.

Secondly, the economy needs sandwiches. Recently we have fallen on hard times. W*nker bankers, recessions and capitalism shown in its worst light. But what helps carry us through? Yes I’m about to convince you that it is sandwiches. Stick with me. I have two words to sum this up: The Burger. What would we do without it?

The burger is a type of sandwich. High streets offer McDonalds, KFC, Burger King and Gourmet Burger Kitchen for the classy burger eaters. These burger joints generate capital that a student like me, in debt, refuses to think about. With their wide ranges of different types of burgers that the non health conscious love to gobble up, it’s safe to say there’s money in the fast food burger. I like to imagine George Osbourne crying over a McChicken Sandwich if all burger joints were to close up shop. Let’s not forget that without the burger, we wouldn’t have been able to watch Morgan Spurlock eat himself into obesity! That was entertaining for our sadistic sides.

If we no longer had the sandwich, what would become of our butchers and supermarkets on those two hot days in Summer when we all flood to grab beef and Quorn burgers to toss onto the BBQ?  Condiment sales would also accordingly plummet and poor Kerry could add ‘millions of dollars’ to the list of things that he has lost.

Then we have all those office workers who flirt their way through sandwich lunch breaks with co workers wondering if they can reignite that spark from the Christmas party.  Oh and after a heavy night out, who’s telling me they don’t crave a bacon and egg sandwich to soak up the copious amount of alcohol? Probably the person who inspired me to write this, as he’s Muslim.

But, there are too many sandwiches to count pumping masses of money around our economy. Don’t ask me exact (or even rough) figures, I didn’t exactly research this.

Sandwiches also provide us with entertainment – without the sandwich we wouldn’t have this gem of an advert from Durex about a cucumber sandwich. You can probably guess the joke but if you’re slow or like a bit of dirty humour follow the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IINnCX1v4Wc .

I’m also pretty sure that I’m not alone in my love for sandwiches. This woman who punched her boyfriend in the face because he ate her sandwich knows where I’m coming from: http://www.thestar.com/news/ontario/article/840610–a-sandwich-worth-fighting-for . I’m not condoning violence and there may have been some underlying problems in their relationship, but it was probably just about a sandwich, right?

Well folks, that was my argument for why sandwiches rock. Now, if you’re not craving your own perfect sandwich right now, be it on white bread, brown bread, with mayo or even with lasagne in the middle (Tesco actually sell that) then I have failed. Go forth and make your sandwich exactly how you like it and enjoy it with the knowledge that you are doing your bit for Great Britain. Yes, I know how dramatic that was and I meant every single syllable.

LONG LIVE THE SANDWICH.

~ by liquoricethoughtsorts on August 26, 2010.